Oh blessed New York City, how much more fun you would be if we too could have our own personal driver, a designer wallet full of 100 bills, and a million paparazzi following our every move.

And so begins this season of Gossip Girl. As summer comes to a close, the gang is all back from their various vacations (backpacking in Europe, dancing on tables in Barcelona, and chillin’ poolside in the Hamptons). Chuck and Blair are still together (and wrapped up in a kinky little game of “seduce the model and then humilate her”), while Serena is up to her bad girl ways, skipping her way through foreign bars doing the drunk girl table dance.

But all is not well. Nope. Poor little rich kids (tear). They’re lives are so hard. Blair’s playing games for Chuck’s benefit, but all she can think is “he’s so going to play tonsil hockey with one of these skanks once my back is turned.” Serena is being tailed by the press and lying to her friends that Blair’s former bed buddy (and real-life boyfriend) Carter has stalked her all summer and is stepping up his game now that they’re back on U.S. soil. Meanwhile, Dan is dithering about Serena’s exploits and trying to hide his new 10K allowance and personal driver from Vanessa (who’s suddenly all tight with with Serena and Dan’s secret half brother, Scott).

The Good: We love us some Chuck and Blair – especially when they both realize tempting the cheating waters isn’t a good thing. The dirty little waiter game at the end of the episode made us giggle – almost as much as Carter and Serena hooking up smack dab in the middle of the big polo match. How did we go from “Serena’s daddy doesn’t love her and all this acting out is a cry from attention” to “Let’s get down and dirty and hope that the polo ponies don’t notice”?

The Bad: Nate rebelling with (shocker) and older woman who just happens to be one of the grandchildren of his grandfather’s arch enemy. “Don’t worry, I have a lot of experience with secret relationships,” he whispers. (Barf!) Vanessa being a wet blanket about Dan’s new-found wealth and then putting the moves on his secret brother (Note to producers: Get the kid a box to stand on already – the height difference is not only obvious, but painful to watch.)

The Ick Factor: Blair’s real-life boyfriend (and onscreen hook-up) having sex with Serena. Chuck’s real-life girfriend making out with Serena’s half-brother. Add in future spit-swapping between Dan (who dates Serena off-screen) and Hilary Duff‘s character, and what you have is a veneral disease just waiting to happen.