I went to see a double feature of Twilight/New Moon last night and I Tivo’d Project Runway so I could watch it at 3:30 AM when I got home, which kinda worked out ok. I mean, if I’m going to write this in a catatonic state due to lack of sleep, it’s only fair that the show be consistent (as in so boring I COULD write this in my sleep anyway). Drama. As in fake drama needed to add a burst of energy to the finale. That’s what I saw. Real Tim Gunn meltdowns are rare. Fake Tim Gunn meltdowns are like the equivilant of a bad Michael Kors quip: On the surface you appreciate it, but deep down you know he doesn’t have his heart in it. So yeah, Irina, Carol Hannah, and Althea had to get up right about the time I was writing this and trudge to the tents in utter darkness. Always the drama queen, Irina made her grand entrance in a cape, while Caral Hannah struggled valiently not to toss her cookies for the millionth time. As Rachel Zoe would say, the sitch was “bananas” – models not dressed, models not lined up, and Tim Gunn throwing a hissy fit telling anyone that would listen that he was “about to lose it.”

Althea ended up going first, crowing that her fashion inspiration was a mix of 50’s and 60’s inspirations meshed with a “sci-fi” look. If this is the future, it looked pretty bleak. Here I was expecting this bright, sexy color pallette, and what I get is black, tan, white slouchy tops, skin-tight pants, and a bunch of models sporting these ridic headbands than makes them look escaped snow-bunnies from some winter resort asylum. Carol Hannah was next, all giggles and smiles following her barf-a-thon. I held the highest hopes for her feminine and fluttery flocks, until it became clear she was going to get “auf’d” due to a lack of cohesiveness in her designs and the super-heavy, drapey material she paired with a lot of her designs (child, has Christopher’s dress disasters taught you nothing?”

Finally, Irina’s turn came. The pint-sized mean girl crowed that her looks were all about New York and ”what it takes to survive in the city as a woman.” Frankly, it looked more like New York and what it takes to survive in the city once you’re too old to shop at Urban Outfitters anymore. Everything was black with lots of textured knits, so yes, it was the coolest clothes of all (minus the helmets), but black-on-black is such the NYC stereotype, it was obvious she was playing it safe for Nina Garcia’s sake.

Following we got to the judging round, and strangley, Garcia, Kors, Klum, and guest judge Suzy Menkes looked as bored and tired as I felt. Much like I thought, Carol Hannanh got panned for lack of cohesiveness, Althea got some praise for her street look, and Irina got props for being able to “tell a story” even though she’s basically gone and ahead and flipped Nina the proverbial bird after she distinctly told her not to go with an all-black color pallette. In the end, “Meana Irina” won, shedding tears of joy, thus proving that being a bitch, accusing other people of stealing yoru designs, and talking shiznit about people behind their backs is a winning formula.

Bye-Bye designers. May next season be a little more entertaining than eating a bowl of oatmeal while watching C-SPAN.